11.12.14 year of living undangerously

If you could go back in time, live your life over knowing what you know now, what would you do differently?

Me, I have a laundry list of items.
-Don’t bother with that ‘My So Called Life’ letter writing campaign, Angela Chase is over.
-Love is easy. Worrying if you are phoning someone too much is a sign that they are the wrong person. The right person will welcome all your phone calls AND visit you in the hospital after knowing you for just seven days.
-Chewing on your lip repeatedly DOES cause wrinkles.
-January 22, 2007? Don’t ride the bike to work. Take the day off, why don’t you.
-Credit cards do NOT buy happiness, cut those puppies up.
-That time your flight lays over in Heathrow and you are the only one there who recognizes the RZA? Go say hi, tell him you’re a fan.
-That self destructive phase? Not worth it.

That last one there is something that I still struggle with. It’s easy when everything hurts to look for an outlet, a fight, drugs, sex, anything to make yourself feel better. It’s hard NOT to, even. But I’m too old for that. My hangover will be too brutal, the downs far outweigh the ups. But today hurts. I’m officially an IVF round two drop out. My body isn’t responding to the drugs. I’ve only got one little follicle to show for it. Not enough to proceed.

Today’s bangles: my dad’s Rolex, silver sea shell charm bracelet, polymer clay bracelets

24 thoughts on “11.12.14 year of living undangerously

    1. Well IVF tapers off drastically after 3 rounds. My current doctor is recommending me to another doctor for if we do round 3.

      These are all the big issues that we have to discuss. IMO it’s a waste of money to continue doing something that has such a low success rate. I’d rather the 100% guarantee and adopt a baby. I don’t care if the kid doesn’t look like either one of us, you know?

      1. I completely understand and agree.

        It’s not like you two wouldn’t love your child just because he or she doesn’t share your genetics.

      2. That’s how I feel. The main country people are adopting from right now is the Marshall Islands, so it’d pretty much guarantee the kid would not look like me or my husband. It brings up a lot of questions about heritage, race and identity. How important is it for a kid to be the same race as their family? I bet in small town USA this kind of thing matters a lot, but in San Francisco? I think we’d have good resources of raising a child to be proud of their heritage and to know what it means to be Marshallese without much discrimination. But maybe that’s me being an overly optimistic white person, you know? But none of those concerns would stop me from this process. It’s just interesting to think about.

      3. The only thing that should matter is how much you love the child. It gives you an opportunity to learn about a different culture. I mean sure you’ll probably get a few in poor taste milkman jokes but that’s all they’ll be, jokes. You’re adopting a child and that’s so wonderful. I think its great that you are even considering it.

        You’re not being overly optimistic.

  1. I’ve never heard this song before but I’m enjoying listening now.
    I like your list…of…regrets is that weird to say? Or do-overs, we’ll call them do-overs. I have to think long & hard, a few things come to mind. I especially agree with worrying about calling someone too much. Seems so clear now but at the time you refuse to see that, I can’t believe how many piece of crap dudes I wasted time with but I suppose I learned lessons from all those experiences(I’m rolling my eyes though).
    I don’t know anything about IVF but again I’m sorry to hear about your struggle & I’ve heard this is one of the absolutely hardest things a woman can go through.

    1. I love this song. I feel like it does for me what I choose not to do to myself, you know? I love most all things Scissor Sisters though.

      Anyways, yes, the entire IVF process sucks. I never thought of myself as being this person who was desperate to have kids, but I assumed it would happen. Failing at something so fundamentally human is extremely crushing. I’m ready for any kind of break at this point, and it just isn’t happening. But I some cheese for dinner tonight and drank some wine, so the world isn’t totally awful, right?

      1. No the world is awful & your situation sounds terrible but cheese & wine is a magical combo. I feel like a brat for complaining that work is boring or I’m out of onion rings. Also I obviously enjoy reading your blog and think I’m important so I leave lots of comments but if I ever ask TOO many questions feel free to scream STOP at me because I’m curious about this subject and wish you the best & other things but also do not wanna trigger anything or generally be like a person who asks another person “Are you pregnant?” because they gained one pound.

      2. You are so awesome, Susan. I LOVE the comments. We have pretty similar tastes in movies and music πŸ™‚ so I love YOUR posts. Yeah, things are shitty. Something I learned from my accident though is that everybody has pain, and each person’s pain is legitimate. There’s not a way to compare them, so complain about work and a bad day. If that’s what sucks in your life right now, you are still allowed to acknowledge that it sucks. And know that thinking about other people’s bad day at work takes my mind off my shit πŸ™‚

      3. “I always say” I really do always say though that each person’s thing(be it pain, problems, issues whatever word works for that person) is relative to their experiences and their point of view is based on that. That sounds like “duh” but that’s why it’s really upsetting for somebody to maybe be dumped and somebody else shouldn’t say “At least you don’t have ebola! Get some perspective”. I hate those “at least!” people when it comes to diminishing somebody else’s pain.
        I like your thoughts on this!

      4. Everything in the world sounds like no big deal compared to ebola. Oh, you’ve gone bankrupt? At least you don’t have ebola! Oh the doctor’s amputated your leg? At least you don’t have… Oh wait, you also have ebola? Sucks for you.

        I am so annoyed by ebola at the moment. I have been to Kaiser 3 days in a row, same check in lady each day and each day she asks “Have you been to West Africa in the last three weeks?” And I’m just tempted to say yes at this point. When lady? When would I have time to go to West Africa? AND that sounds like a great vacation. I will be careful not to share a glass with an ebola amputee.

        Sorry, what was the question again? 😁

      5. Or they one-up you. I knew a major one-upper and no matter what anybody said she would always say “well” and go into her insane tale like one time my friend Katie said she felt bad for some woman we’d bumped into because the woman was living in a storage unit for a couple of weeks & having financial problems. The one-upper said “That’s nothing I knew somebody that was living in a storage unit for MONTHS.”

      6. You are soooo right. I hate that! And what a ridiculous response that girl had to a sad story, right? It always gets me thinking about that persons mindset. Why one up something sad and unique like that?

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