How you like dem Apples???

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This post is for Jenny at She Loves Dresses because she loves food jewelry! If you too love cute food jewelry, Jenny, besides blogging about wonderful vintage dresses, sells some cute food jewelry at She Loves Cute Stuff (shout out, woot woot!)

Today is the day that I do something with my collection of slowly rotting apples. I have mentioned before my cooking skills. As in, they are not an inherent skill set of mine but something I have learned through practice and following recipes closely. These apples have been bugging me, like quite literally, because of all the fruit flies. So I figured I’d do something with them. Welcome to my little apple butter cooking lesson AKA how Margaret fuck’s up that which she’s attempting to cook.

Step one, find a recipe! No problem, thanks to my wonderful Fannie Farmer

Step two, realize that you do not have most of the necessary ingredients and the quantity of apples? Significantly less than 5 lbs.

Step three, proceed disregarding these shortcomings.

Step four, dice apples, put them on the stove to cook and commence research on apple jewelry.

Can I show you these apple jewelries? OMG. REAL FRUIT jewelry by, what else, Real Fruit Jewelry. The apple is kind of boring, but their kiwis? Pretty cool. I think they are dipped in resin to preserve them.
apple necklace

Or the bracelet apple? Made of unknown materials by Inekeotte Jewelry, seems like it’d be a bit awkward to wear and do basic stuff like reach into your purse. But whatever! It’s creative, right?
apple bracelet

Step five, notice the pot is clanking a lot. Return to stove top and add various ingredients the recipe both does and does not call for.

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Step six, ignore instructions to stir constantly to avoid burning and return to the internets. Read Dora’s The Walking Dead post. Uhhh what the fuck machines are they unplugging on TWD? With my first hand “being run over by a truck” experience I can tell you that there aren’t any life maintaining machines for you to be plugged into. Chest tubes have been around since WWII, they’re just tubes shoved into your pleural cavity that drain blood into buckets. BUCKETS. That’s not exactly sophisticated machinery.

The other machines I was connected to were: heart monitor, morphine drip, and oxygen tank. But it’s not like I would have died if these were “unplugged”. So whatevs. NO SPOILERS, I am not concerned as to the outcome of the character being “unplugged.” I mean, unless there’s brain damage and *character* can’t breathe on their own? But then they are fucked regardless because brain trauma = no bueno in zombie apocalypse.

Ehhh… Where was I?

Step seven, improvise MORE. Add tapioca flour (to make it stickier) and frozen blueberries (because why the hell not?). Notice apple butter is turning a bloody color. Add lemon juice. AND WINE. Again, why not?

Step eight, realize wine was a mistake. ADD BRANDY to counter act the wine. Because brandy is the opposite of wine, right? It’s simple math, folks. Close and put away cookbook because we are riding far off trail now.

Step nine, start looking for wine jewelry on some popular wine websites. Bemoan the fact that you can purchase a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird on the Coppola Vineyards site but not bracelets only to realize it’s Tequila Mockingbird, a cookbook? Then bemoan the downfall of Western Literature. Finally find cork bracelets (close, right?) but… ehhhh… no. This is not up my alley.
cork bracelet

Step ten, finally finish cooking and arrange a pretty “apple “butter photo.

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Remember that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Bon app├ętit!

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