How you like dem Apples???

This post is for Jenny at She Loves Dresses because she loves food jewelry! If you too love cute food jewelry, Jenny, besides blogging about wonderful vintage dresses, sells some cute food jewelry at She Loves Cute Stuff (shout out, woot woot!)

Today is the day that I do something with my collection of slowly rotting apples. I have mentioned before my cooking skills. As in, they are not an inherent skill set of mine but something I have learned through practice and following recipes closely. These apples have been bugging me, like quite literally, because of all the fruit flies. So I figured I’d do something with them. Welcome to my little apple butter cooking lesson AKA how Margaret fuck’s up that which she’s attempting to cook.

Step one, find a recipe! No problem, thanks to my wonderful Fannie Farmer

Step two, realize that you do not have most of the necessary ingredients and the quantity of apples? Significantly less than 5 lbs.

Step three, proceed disregarding these shortcomings.

Step four, dice apples, put them on the stove to cook and commence research on apple jewelry.

Can I show you these apple jewelries? OMG. REAL FRUIT jewelry by, what else, Real Fruit Jewelry. The apple is kind of boring, but their kiwis? Pretty cool. I think they are dipped in resin to preserve them.
apple necklace

Or the bracelet apple? Made of unknown materials by Inekeotte Jewelry, seems like it’d be a bit awkward to wear and do basic stuff like reach into your purse. But whatever! It’s creative, right?
apple bracelet

Step five, notice the pot is clanking a lot. Return to stove top and add various ingredients the recipe both does and does not call for.

Step six, ignore instructions to stir constantly to avoid burning and return to the internets. Read Dora’s The Walking Dead post. Uhhh what the fuck machines are they unplugging on TWD? With my first hand “being run over by a truck” experience I can tell you that there aren’t any life maintaining machines for you to be plugged into. Chest tubes have been around since WWII, they’re just tubes shoved into your pleural cavity that drain blood into buckets. BUCKETS. That’s not exactly sophisticated machinery.

The other machines I was connected to were: heart monitor, morphine drip, and oxygen tank. But it’s not like I would have died if these were “unplugged”. So whatevs. NO SPOILERS, I am not concerned as to the outcome of the character being “unplugged.” I mean, unless there’s brain damage and *character* can’t breathe on their own? But then they are fucked regardless because brain trauma = no bueno in zombie apocalypse.

Ehhh… Where was I?

Step seven, improvise MORE. Add tapioca flour (to make it stickier) and frozen blueberries (because why the hell not?). Notice apple butter is turning a bloody color. Add lemon juice. AND WINE. Again, why not?

Step eight, realize wine was a mistake. ADD BRANDY to counter act the wine. Because brandy is the opposite of wine, right? It’s simple math, folks. Close and put away cookbook because we are riding far off trail now.

Step nine, start looking for wine jewelry on some popular wine websites. Bemoan the fact that you can purchase a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird on the Coppola Vineyards site but not bracelets only to realize it’s Tequila Mockingbird, a cookbook? Then bemoan the downfall of Western Literature. Finally find cork bracelets (close, right?) but… ehhhh… no. This is not up my alley.
cork bracelet

Step ten, finally finish cooking and arrange a pretty “apple “butter photo.


Remember that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… Bon appétit!

30 thoughts on “How you like dem Apples???

  1. Wouldn’t the machines be some type of life support for a specific organ or whatever life support method was needed which happens to be a machine? Just like on Grey’s Anatomy? No? I guess I can’t explain it away because I know nothing but I’m confident the show did it’s homework and can explain(or no?? I don’t know!), you should call in on Talking Dead and ask!

      1. Is this in regards to the Beth episode with the guy who suffered a seizure from the wrong medication & then was unplugged or who do you mean Carol is pulled in to be put on life support? After being hit by the car? I had the impression from the next episode preview she may be monitored but not on a life saving machine or am I nuts?? I watched Sunday’s episode but maybe I’m forgetting something I don’t recall see anything with that so I think I need a reminder–sorry me stupid.

      2. Yes! I didn’t know how cryptic I needed to be, if you had watched already or not. The sneak peek where Carol is in the hospital and they are arguing over “unplugging” her because it taxes their resources. When Beth sited recharging the DVD player for comparison, I understood the resource to be electricity. But maybe I’m wrong, maybe the resource is antibiotics or pain meds.

      3. WHAT I swear to garsh that is not the preview I saw. I’ll look it up online, I only saw a snippet of Beth holding Carol’s hand but no talk about what to do or any other whacko hospital people-what the heck!

      4. This is really stressing me out. =)
        I’m googling long descriptions like “What are the machines that Carol is plugged into for on The Walking Dead episode 7 preview” and there’s just nothing informational! ahhhh

      5. Here’s the clip: Beth is in a room with Dawn, and another cop. The other cop is lobbying to “unplug” Carol bc she’s taxing their resources. Beth interrupts and asks how much his daily charging of his DVD player uses the resources, and asks for them to not unplug Carol. Dawn then turns to the cop and says “unplug her” (or something), cop leaves. Now it’s just Dawn and Beth and Dawn says to Beth “Look what you’ve done, you’ve killed this poor woman.”

        Which I interpreted to mean that Dawn was forced to exert her authority, couldn’t bend to lowly Beth in front of the other cop, so she had to make the decision in favor of “unplugging” Carol.

      6. Oh no sorry! I saw the clip I found it afterwards maybe I didn’t make that clear! I was just searching for information as to what on Earth she could be plugged into that isn’t made up and unrealistic but I couldn’t find anything specific to the show. I’m just guessing we have to wait because all we have to go by is the term “unplug” and that it’s electric so it’s probably literally plugged in to her vs. the term “unplug” which just means taken off life support but not necessary an actual machine. Do I make sense? I feel like I’m going bonkers, looking forward to next week’s episode to see what this madness is about.

      7. Totally makes sense to me. But you’re right “unplug” could just be a term they use loosely. It’d be pretty tough for her to survive without fluids or nutrients, but that’s not machine dispensed. It’s just a drip, but I suppose you could say “unplug it!” For both of those.

    1. Oops, I wasn’t finished 🙂 I’m not a doctor but the only machine I can imagine she’d possibly be linked to is a ventilator, but why rescue somebody who has such a poor shot at living that they need a ventilator?

      Most car accidents survivors require a lot of pain management. There’s the risk of infections, internal bleeding, damaged organs, but none of these have machines. I guess maybe if her kidney was damaged she might need a dialysis machine, but that wouldn’t be this sink or swim scenerio. You wouldn’t suddenly live without the dialysis machine, if you needed it.

      The logic is missing IMO. Accident victims either die straight away, or if life is prolonged and then they die it’s from the fallout of their injuries.

      Anyway, the logic isn’t logical 🙂

      1. Okay I looked for the preview I’ll keep looking but the one I found is the one I saw already:/ So I’m outta the loop sadly. I saw dis one
        Did I get screwed out of a cool promo?? Is it cause I’m in the East and they don’t care about us?
        or was this a longer one they showed on TD because I didn’t watch? =(
        Either way I still think you should call, seriously, really! It’s a good question/criticism & much better than some of the questions people ask that have me rolling my eyes at them wasting their phone call to TD. Call call call!

      2. I found the clip! I can’t watch the episode on there though they make you put in cable passwords & junk I don’t have-how dare they!!
        Anyway I think hardly any information is shown in that clip so we can’t tell till we see the episode and what exactly she’s hooked up to/being unhooked from but if they’re vague about it in the episode I’d be interested to see an official explanation, there’s gotta be other people that noticed and are wondering just like you.

      3. Wait I’m having a vision. Or a thought…is it possible those dumbo cops are just using the term “unplug” because we’re all use to hearing “Pull the plug, he’s a vegetable!” and unplugging is a way of saying, no more treatment for Carol.
        Then I had another thought. Beth mentions the DVD player soooo it has to be an actual electrical thing and in that case maybe it’s pain meds and monitors?????
        I need to know now=(

      1. So many panda videos! I bet you’ve seen the one where the Mama Panda sneezes. Theyre so cute and lazy. Haha. That would be a fun job. “Oh, I frolick with Pandas for a living.”

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