Everybody’s a (terrible) Comedian

For some reason going to my IVF appointments brings out my inner comedian. I suppose “for some reason” actually should read “because humor is my defense mechanism” but so at today’s appointment I was killing it.
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First there was the blood draw where I asked the nurse if I should remove my clothes. Then I added “I know not all my clothes, I learned that the hard way.” You see because they just need you to take off your jacket and I was implying I had fully disrobed at some previous blood draw.
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Then during the follicle count process (which is the MOST awkward moment in the exam) I checked with the doctor if I could still go running. Then I asked if I could still be drinking wine. And then (ready those snare drums) I asked if it was okay to do both at the same time.
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Needless to say at NO point was anyone but myself amused. Such a bummer. That’s why I feel obliged to share with you all, my more or less captive audience, and the Pirate King. Because I thought that was some quality A grade humor. And I have 4 follicles. Which is 3 more than the “you are fired from IVF” round so that’s not awful news.

Fertility Charms:
Frog available at Across the Pond
Venus of Willendorf available at Charms4U on Etsy
Rabbit available at The Caring Society

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The Other Monday 2007

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One of the very interesting things with memory is that to create and store a memory you must review regularly. Starting especially within the initial days following an event. So if something disrupts this process, especially when it’s something high adrenaline and stressful, the memories preceding it are easily forgotten. Which is how it’s so hard for me to piece together the prior week of dates out with my honey aka the guy from the bar.

That Monday (it was the 22nd of January), I woke up at my new boyfriend’s apartment early. We lived all of a ten minute walk away from each other so I dashed home where I dressed for work. I must have strapped my newish silver metallic bag to the back of my bike because it was returned to me later. I think I wore black pants and a white blouse, I definitely wore my long brown leather jacket, three squiggly little cheapo bangles, and a helmet. And then I got on my bike to ride to work.

I remember crossing onto Market Street, joining the bike lane. I also remember waiting at the red light on Octavia, in front of the freeway on ramp. Then the light changed green.

Next I remember pieces of a moment. At this point I’m not certain how real they are because it’s been eight years. But so the white truck to the left of me decided to make an illegal right hand turn onto the freeway.

I remember my surprise at the first impact. This “oh shit” feeling where I thought I was just going to lose my balance. Then the moment where I knew the situation was worse than that. Next there were people standing over me and I was both terrified and embarrassed to be laid out in the middle of the street blocking traffic. I wanted desperately to get up and go to work. I had an appointment! I had to leave. But they wouldn’t let me.

Most specifically there was a man. A very kind man with a goatee. A complete stranger who asked for phone numbers, he told me everything would be okay. And then he waited with me. I still don’t know his name.

Apparently the first phone number I remembered was my dad’s office number from when I was a little girl.

I sort of remember being in the ambulance. I know I was in immense pain, but when you aren’t in pain you sort of forget what pain is like. And then I have flashes of the emergency room. Being propped against a metal slab. My mom rushing in. The doctors saying I’d need a catheter and I started screaming. What? Catheters scare me. According to my mom that was when she knew that I’d be okay. At some point I had X-Rays, CAT scans, chest tubes inserted both in my right and left lungs, and a neck brace.

The rear tires of the pick-up truck (Ford F-450 bearing cement- that’s the punchline of this story) had crossed my torso and crushed it. Pretty much every rib broke, multiple times, puncturing both lungs. I should have died. Without a helmet I would have already been dead. There’s more to my injuries but the story telling machine is running out of steam.

“But what about your honey?” You may be asking. He came to visit me twice in the hospital. He met my parents while there. Then I broke up with him, because I couldn’t continue. I was hospitalized for just under a month, then I moved in with my mom so she could care for me. I spent a year of my life on a painkiller cocktail which left me numbed to pain and other feelings. My honey hung in there though, texting me (not too much, not too little) until finally we returned to slowly dating. It wasn’t until December that we became serious again.

So that’s it. The big week that changed my life in many ways. I’ve forgotten so much of it because the memories didn’t have time to form. I can piece together bits thanks to emails, pictures, my honey’s memory. But there are parts that are completely gone, blank hours. And things I’ve discovered that I misremembered. In the litigation I saw a picture of the truck, I learned the make and brand but it looked completely different from my memory of it.

Oh wait here is the actual punchline, you know why the driver made an illegal right hand turn and sped off after running me over? He had to go to the bathroom and hadn’t realized he’d struck a person on a bicycle. There are only two lessons here: drive safely and wear a helmet.

Today’s bangles: the trio I wore on the day of my accident, tortoise shell bangle from Goodwill, lucky figa charm bracelet.

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Hump Day 1.17.2007

Really? Do I really need to explain the anniversary on this one? Let’s just say, give me the right setting, a little take out food, a barely furnished apartment, a big brown dog, and the guy I met two nights prior in 2007…

We watched American Idol. For my very first time. I definitely mentioned that part in yesterday’s post. I couldn’t bring myself to link anything American Idol *shudder* so instead is the Haim song I like the most right now. It sort of works with the memory theme, right?

In case you are just tuning in, I’m telling the story of a very life changing week. It started with meeting a guy at a bar on a Monday, back in 2007. Not to give too much away but the timeline is a Monday to Monday string of events.

Some days were less interesting. Like Wednesday. It was a very regular day, I think. Except that it formally counts as “our first date” being that I went over to Aaron’s barely furnished apartment and we watched American Idol and I met the Moosehead. He was a hell of a dog. Before AI we took the Moose up to Alamo Square dog park. We also hit up Bar 861 on Divisadero for happy hour. I think this was all the same day. Regardless, it has become a conflated memory of a date.

What I can tell you concretely, this was the day that I wrote this to my best friend:
“I met such a cute guy last night- this is his myspace pic. And he already called and we’re watching american idol and eating dinner tonight smile emoticon hooray!”

Oh wait, so I guess I watched American Idol on Tuesday? Oops. Must change the time line.
To be cont.

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Today’s bangles: yellow Hermès from my brother, Angela Cummings from my mom, and an Alaska charm bracelet of my mom’s from when she was a girl.

1.14.15 boobs

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Thanks to Gawker.com I’ve looked at two sets of boobs today; Miley Cyrus and some German lady with crazy big bosoms. I don’t know about you other ladies out there who don’t often see boobs but for your own, but I’m always struck by how weird looking boobs are. Granted Miley Cyrus and this German lady are polar sides of the spectrum but both their boobs look so strange. And that Kim Kardashian photo shoot from last year? Her boobs looked weird too. I guess the entire point of my post today is that boobs are weird. How’s that for a thesis statement?

Have you seen any weird boobs today?

Today’s bangles: tortoise shell Goodwill find, Hermès Calèche, Swarovski Goodwill find, red Indian style Goodwill find, and all my lucky little figas charm bracelet.

1.12.15 tricks

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Uhoh. Have I mentioned before how we have too many remote controls? Well, we do. And I did something wonky just now when trying to watch Brooklyn 99 on demand and now the TV is blank. 😮 All this would be fine if I only had someone else to blame for the mishap. As it stands, my honey is due home any minute and guess what he’ll first notice? Oops.

He’s got his skill set (remotes) and I’ve got mine. Mine is polishing up jewelry with just lemon and hot sauce! See that shine-y brass and copper cuff bracelet in the above photo? Five minutes B.R.C. (before remote cock-up) it was black. Then I sliced the lemon for the brass, grabbed my Tabasco for the copper, and went to work. Two minutes B.R.C. I had a beautiful brand new looking cuff from my mom. Apparently some boy gave it to her when she was twelve. Love springs eternal! Let’s just cross our fingers that it endures the Great Remote Lecture of 2015.

1.10.15 worldly wise

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Where to start today? Blogging always feels like a diary entry, doesn’t it? And all you snoops keep reading my super private thoughts!

Thanks to my favorite jeweler, Isabella Hutten who mended the assortment of bracelets my mom gave me recently (mostly pieces of my Grandmother’s) I am wearing day 2 of charm bracelets.The figuinhas for luck and the big guy that is actually my mom’s from when she was a girl.

My mom was raised in a military family but her mom was Brazilian (thus me being Brazilian and all- my mom was living with her Auntie and Uncle when my parents married and birthed yours truly)… So her early life she lived everywhere and saw much of the world. This bracelet is made up of all those places. Panama, Alaska, Brazil, Virginia, Maine, Italy, France. New York State which has an accent over the e in New for some inexplicable reason.

Anyway, my honey, too, was raised in a military family. I asked him over dinner last night if he ever thought of the fact that any kids we may have and I would share a very similar childhood, while his was so very different. I realized that this was something that connects my mom and him, tho his family was Air Force and my mom’s was Army. Both are so strange and alien to me. Back to my question though, his answer was yes, he had thought about it. That was just about the full extent of his reply.

So here’s the point: you know how they say women marry men who are like their fathers? Well, I think I married my mom.

12.15.14 coloring

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So today my mom was all “Enough with your seaweed hair!” And took me to get my hair done. It’s so lovely now, straight and clean. Wow! Who is this person? I asked my reflection. I last cut my hair maybe a year ago :/ I’m not the best at this whole adult-personal-maintenance deal.

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All the pretty combs in a row.

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Me and my fresh hair and a dog butt. Stinky stinky dog butt in my face. I feel so loved.

Today’s bracelets: Hermès Calèche red and green, my mom’s Route de Corse, my figa charm bracelet, and Claudia’s ID bracelet.

11.25.14 working hard

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It’s 6 o’clock somewhere! Actually, right here. It is 6 o’clock here after a busy work day. But I wanted to show you guys today’s bangles because I have a new one. Remember my desire for a figa charm bracelet? Of course you do, because you are awesome. I picked up some figa charms and took them to my usual place, Hutten Jewelers, and Izabella put them on a bracelet for me. I feel luckier already. The other bracelets are a silver Cuff from my dad, a North Africanish bangle, the new figa charm bracelet and my old charm seashell bracelet. Keep your figas crossed for me.

11.21.14 vexillology

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Lately I’ve been all about the Goodwill bracelet finds. There’re so many treasures to be found at Goodwill, stuff that has a feeling to it. It’s beautiful that one item was cared by somebody, and now it’s under my watch. There’s a special link between me and them. I think that’s why I love ID bracelets so much. It’s actually pretty funny how I have this odd little collection of other people’s ID bracelets, but none in my own name.

The flag charm bracelet is also a Goodwill find. My dad was a big flag collector, a vexillologist if you will. I paid more than my usual Goodwill budget to purchase this guy, $19.99, an outrageous sum in the world of Goodwill shopping! Now armed with my inherited collection of flag books I’ve set about IDing the various flags.

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From left to right:
1. Italy (but the center stamp is slightly incorrect)
2. Netherlands or Luxembourg
3. UK
4. USA
5. Canadian Red Ensign (the predecessor to Royal Union Flag which was replaced in turn by the familiar Flag of Canada)
6. France
7. Belgium
8. Tria Juncto In Uno medal: “the Order of the Bath”, 4th most senior of the British Orders of Chivalry
9. Standard of the Governor-General of the Belgian Congo 1936-1960
10. Luxembourg or Netherlands
11. USSR
12. Belge flag number two
13. Poland
So what I’ve deduced so far is this is a Belgian charm bracelet from the early to mid 1900’s, maybe a collection of Belgian allies? I don’t know. I welcome anybody with some historical insight to chime in! What do all think? Any theories?

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11.30.14 just can’t get enough

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Hey guys, is this enough bracelets for a person to wear?

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How about this? Is this enough? Just let me know when I cross that threshold of “reasonable quantities of bangles” and enter into “obscene quantities of bangles”, okay?

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Are we there yet? Let me ask you this, at what point would this no longer be considered bangles but a metal sleeve?

Today’s bangles: 4 brass garage sale bangles, Hemrès Astrologie from my honey, 3 gold color cheapo bangles I was wearing during my accident, brass cameo cuff, oneida spoon cuff engraved with the letter L, Hermès cream Clous bangle, flag charm bracelet, sterling ID bracelet engraved with Claudia, giant M brass cuff that I paid too much money for from Goodwill because I love my own initials. Claudia’s got nothing on me!